Sunday, October 6, 2013

Before Before Last

  1. 15 Jul
    I doodle in Joyce to embrace my Finnegan’s Wake & bake as the whispering eye of her shaved poodle makes hypnotic sounds & funny faces at me.
    Expand
  2. 15 Jul
    Practicing my dumbass act so world relaxes, you see.. It keeps people everywhere unaware their born to chug {radio edit} daughters blew me.
    Expand
  3. 15 Jul
    According to my math, the only way the cat’s pajamas can be the cat’s pajamas is if there's not a cat in the equation.
    Expand
  4. 15 Jul
    If you mean, lost decade raising birthday pony after parents missed sarcasm in gift request, then, yes. I had a bad childhood.
    Expand
  5. 15 Jul
    Just an old Italian recipe grandma gave me. Any noodle will do, but you must use secret meat ingredient to make baked penguini.
    Expand
  6. 15 Jul
    The chicken was actually a stool pigeon about to double-cross the road when.. car.
    Expand
  7. 15 Jul
    It was when the shrooms humped the magic moon. That was when the cactus wren attacked us.
    Expand
  8. 15 Jul
    storeroom litter box mad cat rush to take first poop once it's cleaned haiku
    Expand
  9. 15 Jul
    Lab results confirm your corn dog’s a mutt.
    Expand
  10. 15 Jul
    The dog’s wearing a lifejacket on this cruise because I suck at throwing the frisbee.
    Expand
  11. 15 Jul
    “It's always fucking Shark Week." ~dolphins
    Expand
  12. 15 Jul
    The next person who asks me why I'm walking around with a duck popsicle probably won't like my answer either.
    Expand
  13. 15 Jul
    "I found my towels in the bowels of an owl.” ~my reply to a sales lady who asked me what brought me into Bed, Bath & Beyond
    Expand
  14. 15 Jul
    It wasn’t due to sobriety that he got frostbit to shit. It was because of what he tried to do with a cold turkey.
    Expand
  15. 13 Jul
    Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda? “When me & Krishnamurti go snorkeling, he still gets all deep (even in the kidding pool).” Grapesy
    Expand
  16. 12 Jul
    “Yer too big of a nitwit to knit with; yer a trend ya can’t mend. You might as well go off the deep end when I bend.” ~your mom about to cum
    Expand
  17. 12 Jul
    [door left open] HIM: “Were you born in a barn?” HER: “No, but I had shit {radio edit} of me in an outhouse before.” HIM: …
    Expand
  18. 11 Jul
    Ever since my first acting gig, I've been typecast as a movie extra.
    Expand
  19. 11 Jul
    Don't need to learn CASL (Cat As a 2nd Language). I know 'Meow' means, "Help lick my butt or I'll be late to take my next nap."
    Expand
  20. 11 Jul
    The manner in which this dishwasher was loaded is clearly a cry for help.
    Expand
  21. 11 Jul
    That's a backpack of crap, I told the DEA. Ignore her. I'm no drug mule. I'm a fool with a TV & I didn't agree to help Dora.
    Expand
  22. 11 Jul
    "But, first you must trust the strut." ~Tony Robbins, teaching a self-help workshop to peacocks, probably
    Expand
  23. 11 Jul
    I spoke slow. You heard fast. Your brain farted when your asshat pinched a nerve gas. Cats below swerved at the last second.
    Expand
  24. 11 Jul
    My first Monsanto’s a bad seed/rotten apple/little douche clue was when it secretly unfollowed me as soon as I followed back.
    Expand
  25. 10 Jul
    “This new Pope tastes like the old Pope.” ~suspicious, superstitious parishioner, probably
    Expand
  26. 10 Jul
    Soduh or Vigoda? “Nonsense is an assertion of man’s spiritual freedom in spite of all the oppressions of circumstance.” # not# sure
    Expand
  27. 10 Jul
    Getting bored of watching these Assholehoff/Pam Lee reruns. Wanna see a show called Bagelwatch to match my blueberry boob mood.
    Expand
  28. 10 Jul
    1/10th of a second: Time lapsed between me thinking today wasn't too bad, comparatively, & me spilling a drink down the front of me.
    Expand
  29. 10 Jul
    So fluent in mumble, I make it dance; & I talk a mean grumble. To a stumblebum robot gang of ducks in a rowboat, I am their leader.
    Expand
  30. 10 Jul
    The results are in. When the shit hits the fan, dried turds are preferred.
    Expand
  31. 10 Jul
    Someday, Mississippi will prefer to be called Ms. instead of Mrs. That day is not today, though.
    Expand
  32. 10 Jul
    This tweet was born to be bad.
    Expand
  33. 10 Jul
    According to the musical theory of Darwin, somewhere, right about now, a Ratt fan is beating up a Phish fan. For no apparent reason.
    Expand
  34. 10 Jul
    A blatant foul. For 'trying too hard'. Penalty shot won the game. Was a good call, and the crowd.. Beat me up for no good reason.
    Expand
  35. 9 Jul
    Sign we passed read: Best Place for Eating Out is at the Finer Vagina Diner But, I can't get bus driver to stop for me to get off.
    Expand
  36. 9 Jul
    “You think you shit a brick, but it was a tile, instead. Life's little surprises make me smile," Jim said. {Jim, shut the fuck up.}
    Expand
  37. 8 Jul
    RT : Defend you? Pfft. Not if it’ll cost me my Favstar status. —
    Expand
  38. 8 Jul
    Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda? "Baaaaaa! Humbug."
    Expand
  39. 8 Jul
    “Not road to greatness. Road to ruin,” ~Sarah Palin, overshooting landing strip and crashing headfirst into her own glory hole
    Expand
  40. 8 Jul
    Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda? “Clinton’s a schmuck.” Abe V
    Expand
  41. 8 Jul
    Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda? “Didn’t know what’s up at first, but saw who take foot off the bag.”
    Expand
  42. 8 Jul
    Was me flying by. Just came to say hi. All thru Europe is this {radio edit} blizzard. Dessert’s on the house(s). And, the women go *slurp*.
    Expand
  43. 8 Jul
    Holding fondly, froggy clenches it so close; a book Machiavelli wrote. Knowing. Going to bring all the princesses to the pond.
    Expand
  44. 7 Jul
    Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda? “There wouldn't be a Nickelback problem if Canada had a sales tax.”
    Expand
  45. 5 Jul
    I talk to bananas by the bunches but never hold one to my ear to get it to work. We return together when we’re done our lunches.
    Expand
  46. 5 Jul
    My self-censor efforts led to sequester. Sucks in this plucking feathers weather. Stuck wearing an asshat. I can’t get over it.
    Expand
  47. 5 Jul
    If by superpower, you mean a colorful dancing disco duck ball smell, then no. Which is code for yes as you can see and guess.
    Expand
  48. 5 Jul
    Keeps his hands up, elbows tucked in, or I gotta quit chin-bopping him. He goes, “I am Iron Man,” then stops paying attention.
    Expand
  49. 5 Jul
    “I think in tweet, therefore I resist. Think out my tweets? I doubt the need exists.” ~twit noob/asshat boob, Descartes aka René
    Expand
  50. 5 Jul
    “Lots of folks paved The Way for me. Messed up my flow so now the present’s butt.. A gift-wrapped diaperload.” (cranky Lao Tzu)
    Expand
  51. 5 Jul
    “It’s only fun playing the Watch the Throne game until Kanye moons you.” ~Kourtney & Khloé
    Expand
  52. 5 Jul
    The difference between society normals & twitter critters is which dirty habit they keep secret. Porn watching or blog reading.
    Expand
  53. 5 Jul
    Kept asking if I could get one. Finally got one. But, now I’m not exactly sure what to do with this what-what.
    Expand
  54. 5 Jul
    Connected the dots. Got what looked to be a smudge. Put it on a stick & lit it. Almost had whole page exorcised before.. Fire.
    Expand
  55. 5 Jul
    I quit subtle energy intentional cable TV anchor crotch shot trance enhance truthiness transference study because fuck the news.
    Expand
  56. 5 Jul
    Quote: “Feeling super sonnets. Gimme gin & tonic & 10 snow bong hits & my big girl bonnet.” (Liam Shakespeare) Fucking Twitter.
    Expand
  57. 5 Jul
    A smarter person woulda realized climbing into this KFC bucket was gonna be almost impossible before he got halfway up the pole.
    Expand
  58. 5 Jul
    So-called civilized folks belittle the nonsense we proudly tweet, saying we’re littering. Just throwing that out there.
    Expand
  59. 5 Jul
    Just found out the eBook I was gonna write has already been written. It’s an eye vision chart. I call bullshit. I mean, I spy.
    Expand
  60. 5 Jul
    “Too much acidity. Bad gas. Baking soda n’ water. Need to burp it up like a baby n’ shit.” ~Queen/David Bowie song, rough draft
    Expand
  61. 5 Jul
    “I’ve got too much thyme on my hands,” the renegade told the blue collar man. “That’s why I can’t pick up chicks with sticks.”
    Expand
  62. 5 Jul
    According to their picket signs, they are all named Bob. And they are “For Apples”. Except for one pro-Snapple snapperhead.
    Expand
  63. 5 Jul
    You know, Eleanor Rigby? I fucked her. Please don’t follow me Beatles-bot. Please d.. Crap! A Beatles-bot just followed me.
    Expand
  64. 5 Jul
    Knew it'd be Frodo wasting that tolkien he had (& those he'd find) playing the same ring toss game badly 'til he lost his mind.
    Expand
  65. 5 Jul
    I learn new stuff each time I watch Joe Dirt besides don't drink bong water. I knew that. I don't know DirtVinci Code, though.
    Expand
  66. 5 Jul
    Young niece got so pissed she intentionally knocked over 10-gallon bucket of paint onto floor. Now claims she had a blackout.
    Expand
  67. 5 Jul
    Tried to put on happy face. Either head grew or it shrunk. Looks like I'm wearing a tribal ring. My smile pokes up my nostrils.
    Expand
  68. 5 Jul
    Unsure if I heard that a turdhat of words I lazily wrote were as dumb as a dumbass afloat in a moat on my gravy billygoat boat.
    Expand
  69. 5 Jul
    Was making good time cruising down the highway to hell 'til I hit construction and got diverted. Missed important appointment.
    Expand
  70. 5 Jul
    It never helps for me to explain anything.
    Expand
  71. 5 Jul
    If only you could see me for the person I really am. I’m not a slacker or a bum.. I’m just a loiterer who is done.
    Expand
  72. 5 Jul
    Sometimes a mini-hacksaw and a stroll around town is just what the doctor ordered.
    Expand
  73. 5 Jul
    No, I didn’t fall from grace. Unless somebody renamed my ladder and never told me.
    Expand
  74. 5 Jul
    She said look over my shoulder. To look there in the distance. That she was way beyond Awesome. I told her I couldn't see her.
    Expand
  75. 5 Jul
    I primarily mess up tweet punchlines just so I can see late-night talk show hosts sound stupid during their monologues later.
    Expand
  76. 5 Jul
    Was gonna give up but gravity said drop it, so I did. Saw flyer on ground: "Our truck will be in your neighborhood on Tuesday."
    Expand
  77. 5 Jul
    “Don't mistake my kindness for weakness." ~good weed advice
    Expand
  78. 5 Jul
    I coulda swore I asked you to hold the ladder.
    Expand
  79. 5 Jul
    This tweet’s circular logic is trapped inside the box of a mime named Jack.
    Expand
  80. 5 Jul
    I like to suck so bad that people think I cheated and had help.
    Expand
  81. 5 Jul
    Some greedy bastard just sold out, so now we’re stuck inside forever.
    Expand
  82. 5 Jul
    Some call it remote viewing. I call it staring at the controller wondering why it won’t turn on the TV.
    Expand
  83. 5 Jul
    I don’t mean to brag, but sometimes it takes a special kind of idiot..
    Expand
  84. 5 Jul
    Those aren't fireworks you're hearing. That's the sound of a bunch of my great ideas backfiring all at once.
    Expand
  85. 5 Jul
    I'm one app away from everything making sense.
    Expand
  86. 5 Jul
    I knew it was a tropical storm because it had pulp.
    Expand
  87. 5 Jul
    The last time I had a skip in my step, it tripped me.
    Expand
  88. 5 Jul
    I put the 'er' in stupid.
    Expand
  89. 5 Jul
    I doodle in metric to look smarter on paper.
    Expand
  90. 5 Jul
    Tried to crowd-surf. Knocked out the entire front row with my board.
    Expand
  91. 5 Jul
    Clouds are acting extra weird tonite. I think they should stick to singing.
    Expand
  92. 5 Jul
    The existential boat lacked manners. And, it tipped lousily. I, of course, fell out.
    Expand
  93. 5 Jul
    "Who needs looks, luck & nepotism when you're cut out for success." ~cocky origami
    Expand
  94. 5 Jul
    The evidence was staggering. Either it was dehydrated.. Or the pudding was about 80 proof.
    Expand
  95. 5 Jul
    My teacher gave my art an F. And stunk up the whole place.
    Expand
  96. 5 Jul
    I tried doing that smiling thing I heard you talking about. It hurt my mouth, cracked my jaw and popped one of my eardrums.
    Expand
  97. 5 Jul
    I wonder if I'm getting enough cardio with this exercise in futility.
    Expand
  98. 5 Jul
    You call it kissing ass. I call it a yoga master showing off.
    Expand
  99. 5 Jul
    I had kinda hoped these clown shoes would've worked better as swim flippers.
    Expand
  100. 5 Jul
    To quote crude Buddha (The Dude as priest), "Holy crapture, that sure sucks huge fucktons of flies from a duck's butt, my son."
    Expand
  101. 5 Jul
    “Come face my dry-erase.” “You’re opposite of Sharpie.” “I highlighted your mom in pink ink.” (3 pen frenemies talking shit)
    Expand
  102. 5 Jul
    A whale friend swam by. Made me blush. Said she got so bored she filled up vagina with ping pong balls & joined # teamhumpback.
    Expand
  103. 5 Jul
    I’m not guessing. I know. My superpowers only work if I’m wearing a clown shoe on my wiener.
    Expand
  104. 5 Jul
    “If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me & maybe get under me so I can screw myself on?” ~head to torso
    Expand
  105. 5 Jul
    After 30 years, only a couple things haven’t been changed. The price of 2 tacos at Jack in the Box And your mom’s underwear.
    Expand
  106. 5 Jul
    Country bumpkin munchkin blumpkin luncheon in the forest scene was edited from the movie courtesy of the PMRC, Tipper & Dorothy.
    Expand
  107. 5 Jul
    “It’s tricky.. Can get both prickly and trippy when you practice with cactus. We must not let that shit distract us.” ~FML coach
    Expand
  108. 5 Jul
    I have the grant money. Should get to work, I guess. Time for me to prove that bat shit’s sane as fuck and just misunderstood.
    Expand
  109. 5 Jul
    Just got off the phone with Meat Loaf. He says he’s still not willing to share his crayons for love.
    Expand
  110. 5 Jul
    “This is the Send All, my friends,” ~Jim Morrison, on some ancient highway pretending toy cash register is a computer, probably
    Expand
  111. 5 Jul
    "I'm a cowboy. On a still horse, I ride." ~Little Jonny Bon Jovi trying to think positive after the machine eats his coin
    Expand
  112. 5 Jul
    I don't mean to rag, but.. Can you show me on this doll where Dr. Drew saved you from alcohol?
    Expand
  113. 5 Jul
    Wilco is just Gram Parsons without any of that metric shit.
    Expand
  114. 5 Jul
    When you think of me.. Fine. If. Imagine a mime with Tourette's wearing mittens.
    Expand
  115. 5 Jul
    Many smart people are here. You're also here.
    Expand
  116. 5 Jul
    My Y's must look like S's, I guess. It must have been the sign that brought all the girls to my yard: Free Yemen
    Expand
  117. 5 Jul
    "A turkey ass hero is something to eat." ~John Lennon sings commercial for the official Twitter sandwich
    Expand
  118. 5 Jul
    Apparently, my crop-dusting skills in grocery store aisles give me no competitive advantage in Farmville.
    Expand
  119. 5 Jul
    Just because I don't care if Larry the Cable Guy wins, it doesn't mean I'm pulling for the alligator.
    Expand
  120. 5 Jul
    "And I folded. I mean, I ironed." ~new Flock of Seagulls singer forgets words
    Expand
  121. 5 Jul
    "I think it was because my butt fell asleep," said Humpty Dumpty.
    Expand
  122. 5 Jul
    "Bigmouth blows chance at a perfect game. At best, he can get a spare this frame.." ~The Smiths, a chorus rough draft, probably
    Expand
  123. 5 Jul
    Miles & miles of piles & piles of turd pies doesn’t mean man landed on the moon. It only proves a cow’s been jumping over it.
    Expand
  124. 5 Jul
    The Dude abides 'til the food arrives, and the Buddha tries to grab 5 slices.
    Expand
  125. 5 Jul
    As I stared into my Maruchan instant noodles, I saw Cheap Trick playing live. But, it was just their new stuff. :( ftwot
    Expand
  126. 5 Jul
    Teach your kids spitballs are dangerous when you knock an aging rock star out of a coconut tree with.. As many as necessary.
    Expand
  127. 5 Jul
    Overstimulation in a fast-paced world makes it hard to get off and even harder to stick the landing. Stupid high-speed train.
    Expand
  128. 5 Jul
    Not sure if the characters in my mind's eye are circle jerking to drain brain or just all peeing outta my ear together for fun.
    Expand
  129. 5 Jul
    Misunderstood you when you said she was a gold digger. That's crazy how she'll only date guys who let her pick their boogers.
    Expand
  130. 5 Jul
    Well, this new iron works well. I just hope no one was lying to me when they said today was Casual Waffle Friday.
    Expand
  131. 4 Jul
    All I asked the guy at the store for was some space and an apostrophe to go with my new supermanscape.
    Expand
  132. 4 Jul
    Everyone's license plate was the same; so lame. Mine had to change. Went with a mixing bowl motif, Big Chief. I mean, Officer.
    Expand
  133. 4 Jul
    Not to be outdone by me teaching the Snoopy float to shake, the speed bump got it to roll over, flip on its side and play dead.
    Expand
  134. 4 Jul
    Asked genie for Cash Cab ride, a genius fellow passenger & get us lost. Down Shitty City Ave. with fat cash stacks, I now walk.
    Expand
  135. 2 Jul
    “These boobs are made for talking,” she said. Or maybe her boobs did.
    Expand
  136. 2 Jul
    “Sweet dreams are made of peas,” said the princess, never.
    Expand
  137. 2 Jul
    Bing doesn’t like me. It has no idea why. Couldn’t figure it out if it tried, either.
    Expand
  138. 2 Jul
    “Your mom’s so dumb that when she saw it said ‘cookbook’, she did.” ~Rodney Dangerfield’s ghost
    Expand
  139. 2 Jul
    “I’m not sure how much fucking longer I’m gonna be able to keep this shit up.” (Atlas, probably)
    Expand
  140. 2 Jul
    “I’m an acquired taste.” ~a pile of talking poop, probably
    Expand
  141. 2 Jul
    You know you’re getting old when you wake up and completely forget you’re a jukebox hero.
    Expand
  142. 2 Jul
    For such a smart phone, you’d think it would know better than to upset me.
    Expand
  143. 2 Jul
    An argument could be made that I should not be left in charge of the bubble-wrap.
    Expand
  144. 2 Jul
    They say that not every joke works. If my jokes are anything like me, then none of them do.
    Expand
  145. 2 Jul
    This auto-correcting shit is gonna be the bedpan of meatball.
    Expand
  146. 2 Jul
    There’s something about being an art official that just sounds so fake.
    Expand
  147. 2 Jul
    The word of the day and forecast for the day are both.. Filthy. With no chance of showers.
    Expand
  148. 2 Jul
    Somehow, I’m not surprised I made fish sticks on the exact same day that life stopped giving me lemons.
    Expand
  149. 2 Jul
    The devil made me do shit? ..or.. The devil made me douche it.
    Expand
  150. 2 Jul
    My metaphor’s not sure which one of us is in pole position.
    Expand
  151. 2 Jul
    My inner child just degraded an antique doll collection.
    Expand
  152. 2 Jul
    Sometimes you need snow tires with change.
    Expand
  153. 2 Jul
    Tag-teamin' on my magic wand; 2 new girls, Yolanda & Wanda, snake-charmin' along with Yvonne & Sondra. An in-n'-out double-double entendre.
    Expand
  154. 2 Jul
    The children of the corn were gassy. They stunk up the whole bunker. Ethanol in the family.
    Expand
  155. 2 Jul
    Was goofing around. Threw my hat in the ring. Accidentally knocked out Rosie. Have no idea why everyone else fell down.
    Expand
  156. 2 Jul
    Your guitar playing sounded great until you added that chihuahua pedal. Then, it got whiny. And made you look tiny.
    Expand
  157. 2 Jul
    Semester of effort. What'd I get? 0 extra credit points. I guess she hadn't asked for my participation in class disgusting.
    Expand
  158. 2 Jul
    Top of the world. Felt like king of the mountain 'til I found out my 99 cent piece of crap map app had flipped upside-down.
    Expand
  159. 2 Jul
    First thing you're to do when someone falls off a ladder is stifle all laughter. You know, just so you know for next time,
    Expand
  160. 2 Jul
    It's time I teach myself a lesson. Problem is I don't know shit, and.. The student and teacher are both fucking idiots.
    Expand
  161. 2 Jul
    A guy can't spell, Bingo, wrong one time without a whole roomful of old people getting upset? Lady, enough with the umbrella.
    Expand
  162. 2 Jul
    I'm giving people the benefit of the doubt. Boogers didn't get wiped on walls. Just got flicked. Stopped at place they hit.
    Expand
  163. 2 Jul
    Sucking on my slushee. Having no luck getting a brain freeze. Is it a quantum, observer/observed thing? Ahh.. Oww! There it is.
    Expand
  164. 2 Jul
    My doctor says do stand-up comedy with an orchestra so logistical issues make it harder to attack people for laughing at me.
    Expand
  165. 2 Jul
    It's not that I can't stand still, or stay put. It's just I look so gosh darn good over here sitting pretty. That's all.
    Expand
  166. 2 Jul
    I tried smoking angel dust last night, but couldn’t get the ceramic cherub fragments to light.
    Expand
  167. 2 Jul
    These roller coasters totally don't help me not spill shit all over the table.
    Expand
  168. 2 Jul
    It broke because.. Long story short. Up jumped the Wookie. Almost over.. Flew Snookie.
    Expand
  169. 2 Jul
    Up to no good means only one thing. I grew.
    Expand
  170. 2 Jul
    I suppose getting up would be a good place to start.
    Expand
  171. 2 Jul
    Fig? Plum? Whatever. It could be a big pig bum for all I care. I refuse to let it ruin date night again.
    Expand
  172. 1 Jul
    He'd go monkey see, monkey do, but the sheepdogs only knew 2 words of English and spoke moose. Irony was: Free Willy's name stuck.
    Expand
  173. 1 Jul
    Talk about literally pitching a shit fit. The monkeys don’t like the new trainer, Mr. Gabriel. Especially near tools & electricity.
    Expand
  174. 1 Jul
    There's no reason to ponder or wonder in rhyme. Charlie the Woodchuck believes it is much easier to leave it to beavers.
    Expand
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)