- All I did was try to reach the Sales department for the spew planes to see if I could get 'em to sky-write me a chemtrail ad. My bad. #tbot
- All I did was offer to help PRISM with bad PR by getting rid of it, and offering it a J. What did I get? Their undivided attention. #tbot
- Prose tip: Leaves of ass break wind that blows below blows less wind leaves memories shaken poetry’s big mess missing rake haiku #ftwot
- Finally came to the conclusion that building a globe to scale is impractical. #ftwot
- I think that thing which I thought was personal growth has become ingrown. It starts to hurt now when I go to leap tall buildings. #tbot
- I put the retweet in yogurt if you look closely, but watch out. Not too close if it’s Trix. You could get hit. With a bunny shot. #tbot
- I never judge a book by its cover. I always judge a book by just how much it hurts when I drop it on my toe. #ftwot
- "I told the producers I wanted to work with Don Rickles." ~KITT, the Knight Rider car (from its autobiography) #ftwot
- "I'm feeling super sonnets. Give me gin and tonic." ~Liam Shakespeare #ftwot
- There's been a misunderstanding. I'm just a tunabomber, your Honor. Guess who I've got to back it up for me? Yup. yer sister and yer mama
- Rarely does my thumb make me happy these days. #tbot
- Unsexy is the one* not reading this. *many #tbot
- In an attempt to deal with my trust issues, I find myself wondering aloud exactly how far it is that I can actually throw an expert. #ftwot
- I go on the offensive at the dentist's & say if I have a new cavity, it must be because of that last, crappy toothbrush she gave me. #ftwot
- I took a wizz. Accidentally misspelled it out on the wall, so it read, ‘whiz’. Was some seriously ironic genius shit. I mean, piss. #tbot
- What does Spiderman wear for protection? A peter parka. #tbot
- If the obstacle's the path, do the math. Take a bath 'n make a soft tickle plan. Let yer stand be popsicle of the tropical variety. #ftwot
- Museum’s painting of The Birth of Venus is a forgery. Has J-Lo’s butt & an oil pan playing a dipstick flute. Gotta be a Robotticelli. #tbot
- My phone doesn't need a charge. Just wants those Low Battery pop-up warnings to stop. And would love a ginger ale if you've got one. #ftwot
- I took bumper sticker advice. Just like I always do. Act Your Wage Fell asleep picking my butt. And when I woke up, I threw poo. #ftwot
- Not as troubling I forgot I was on a raft & thought the land was moving away as it is that something just bit me & a line is forming #ftwot
- I was pointing out something stupid. And, it bit me. #ftwot
- "I like to think of it as more than just stupid." ~my reply to all responses about my most recent idea #ftwot #funnytweetsontwitter
- I don't mean to brag, but.. I used to not know shit from shinola. Now, I do. Guess why? You got it, Sparky. Got 'em all nametags. #tbot
- Tried being delicate by using a metaphor, when she asked me how I felt. I said, “You have as many hang-ups as a rookie telemarketer.” #tbot
- I took the ‘turd’ outta Saturday for a playdate afternoon. Next morning, the ‘sun’ in Sunday dried it out.. Signifying end of game. #tbot
- You said your friend came for weed. Had no idea you were referring to hydroponic pot and a bong that changed into a magic vibrator. #ftwot
- I think it’s about time we oil the mosh pit. #tbot
- I love anarchy, but fuck this. My teeth are singing: “1, 2, 3.. What are we biting for?” And they refuse to chew my burger for me. #tbot
- Snow shoes. No clothes. Big tweets. Red clown nose. Sausage thumbs. Saucy Aussies. Canadian bacon bits. # UGGlife Shiver & shake them tits.
- I had a lot on my plate. Up until about a minute ago. Now, I need to put on some shoes, and see if I can find the broom. #ftwot
- The baby of the 79 year old former American Idol judge never had a chance. hashtag Janiesgothisgums #ftwot #funnytweetsontwitter
- I wonder what the ratio in Congress is between the expert doodlers and those who can sleep with their eyes open. #ftwot
- Friends had a blast doing a show last night in front of a 'sea of people'. I had a riot on Twitter, wondering if Patton took naps. #ftwot
- Of course, I know what carbon dating is. That's Match .com Oh, no, wait.. I was thinking sulphur. #ftwot #funnytweetsontwitter
- He was so proud (& shocked) seeing moody caterpillar daughter grow into beautiful Goth moth. "I can't believe she's not butterfly." #ftwot
- Kanye's song, "Pinocchio's Story," reminded me of 2Pac and made me wonder if heaven's got Geppetto. #tbot #thebookoftweet
- Whaddya think of the new Twitter subsidy program paying us to tweet less? ["No program. Applies to 1 guy."] Who? ["You."] *sigh* #tbot
- So, I've got all these french fries stuck up my nose, and they smell different. It must be my allergies. Or maybe it's the new oil. #tbot
- Sluurrrp! Sluurrrp! Her clit starts up my dreams. Not always what it is, but it's certainly what it seems. Sweet sippy cup o' slurpin' tea.
- The Dude abides while the Crüe decides whether to let Tommy back in the group, or just let the new guy keep playing drums. #tbot
- In the Big Easy, kicking it with Lil Wayne and Young Jeezy as they teach me how to kung-fu fight with squeegees.. A normal Thursday. #ftwot
- shrunken head swollen head hot potato salad hashtag not haiku #ftwot
- Shrink says seeing Bruce Lee beat shit out of Chuck Norris in Return of the Dragon movie for 92 years is unhealthy. So, I'm good. #ftwot
- Just found a message in a bottle. It read: "Whatever you do, just don't tell Sting where I am." #ftwot
- Cow tipping isn't easy because they weigh a ton, and there's no appropriate place to put dollar bills during lap dances in the barn. #ftwot
- Nine times out of 10, the beat around the bush is hip-hop. However, the tenth time is mulberry. #ftwot
- In dream, I asked James Joyce to explain his inane book rambles. He began to talk down at me until, I kinda bumped into his ladder. #ftwot
- It's bad enough backyard looks like paint-by-dogshit Jackson Pollock artwork, the Marcel Duchamp kitty urinal's not even being used. #ftwot
- Completed church training. Went through initiation rites. Baptism of jism surprised me. Not sure if I'm a deacon now or an elder. #ftwot
- He said, and I quote: "In my gut, I knew I was born to bust a nut; that's why I'm citizen arresting you." #ftwot
- As kid, I had a gang; a junior mafia, of sorts: the Pickyer Nostra. Was disbanded due to too much in-fighting. And booger flicking. #ftwot
- You know you're drunk when you think your designated driver is a 3-iron.. And, then you use him to putt with. #ftwot
- When dogs bark at fire engines, I pretend they have TV talking heads & are discussing politics while getting upset at today's news. #ftwot
- As the captain triumphed over his stutter, the obvious was gradually stated. #ftwot
- Fret. It gets worse. Okay, fine. It doesn't. But, the news refused to run that story. #ftwot
- With letters on the parts, I spelled Anita Pallenberg & Britt Eklund. I doubt it's them. Why'd I buy mail-order brides from IKEA? #ftwot
- According to your BMW hood ornament, the buck stops there. Another one also stops way high up in wall of your media room/den area. #ftwot
- Were I not in the process of coming to power right now, I would be rioting. #ftwot
- "I guess I got way too baked," the Captain said. "Was thinking, Puff, Puff, Push." And, that's how Ms. Palin ended up in the lake. #ftwot
- Bike riders are street peddlers trying to sell me guilt. An exercise in futility. I'm flat broke. Like a coin-less joke floormat. #ftwot
- "Soo-ie, soo-ieee.. We-we-we gotta go." ~Old McDonald rounding up little piggies to go all the way home for band practice, probably #ftwot
- Why'd I lend that cow my horn? She went to foof. Got corn & shit on the handle. Lit the farts with a candle. Got poo on my shoe. #ftwot
- Only way I ever know it's puppy love is when the dog rolls its eyes at me. #ftwot
- After studying world history all afternoon, it occurred to me, once condensed, it's all basically just the pilot episode of Jackass. #ftwot
- For being so-called 'marriage material', I sure had a helluva time sewing her into a wedding dress. #ftwot
- After spraining my wrist & breaking my helmet, I learned my lesson. From now on, instead of dumpster diving.. I'm gonna cannonball. #ftwot
- "Old Bikini Bottom. I tapped that." ~Andrew Squaredice Claypants #ftwot
- Guess what's next to impossible? Swing-set. It is at my library. Why? Because guy I work with doesn't know his fucking alphabet. #ftwot
- "All I've got is a red guitar. I need these corduroys in blue." (Tangled Up in Bono) #ftwot
- Was shocked to learn that what I had thought were tears from heaven was actually slobber. #tbot
- Was told I don't know the half of it, but as luck would have it, I do. It's all crap we don't need to believe.. Just hype and jive. #tbot
- Was psyched to download the 'satan' browser. Musta been blurry misread because I got safari.. My devil's workshop will have to wait. #tbot
- If I owned America, I'd trade it.. For a life-time supply of bubble gum and grape soda. And, then I'd move to Europe. #tbot
- Even if it always seems like everyone driving just left a shithead seminar, I love. Yes, even when they believe I was guest speaker. #tbot
- The word for today is: stunted "For a home-run swing, he sure looked like he bunted." #tbot
- "Made her pussy purr. I litter box.." Um, hello, Autocorrect. Where are you? Not litterbug. "Lit her.." Not Botox. "Lit her box up." #tbot
- Sky high pilots, beers & no pants. Exotic dancers tease. Were it not for priorities being straight. They woulda cleared the trees. #tbot
- The close proximity of stupid people’s heads with their asses allows us to fuck their brains out while fucking the {radio edit} out of them.
- Tooted my own horn by blowing smoke up the interviewer's ass. Didn't get job. Did cause bleeding. Next time I won't use a vuvuzela. #tbot
- Was at Dee Snider's house. I said I'd help with March of Dimes if he moved it to April, & then told his chair: I don't wanna rock. #tbot
- Not only is analogy not the study of brain farts, it isn't an obsessive-compulsive, disorderly Original Gangsta from Muskogee either. #tbot
- My drug-soaked past is haunting me. Abused 'em without consent, say surviving relatives of drugs I did. Kind bud charges may stick. #tbot
- Wasted an hour unsuccessfully comparing apples with oranges. Even tried googling how. Nope. Story of my life. Outsmarted by fruit. #tbot
- My gas-powered leaf-blower informed me that it is also doing the ‘Cord’s work’, & to capitalize the C. I told it to shut up & blow. #tbot
- My bologna had a first name. A last name, too. Then, it went by its initials. Now, it says it's a universal sound, or some shit. # OM #tbot
- My anguished fries fell on deaf ears. Actually, second large fry did. First bag I dumped just filled ‘em up. #tbot
- My fruit punchline’s straight like a puddle & isn’t funny or nutritious. But, it’s made with sugar, not corn syrup. So, there’s that. #tbot
- "I know people keep pushing your buttons, but you're going to have to just learn to accept it," I told the microwave. #tbot
- The clouds are giving me subliminal messages. You best better beware of me for I may not know what I'm about to do. # cloudcontrol #tbot
- Was informed 'aimlessly wandering the world in polished shoes I hope to scuff' is not a career path. Now I'm sad. With indigestion. #tbot
- From Master's hand, I snatched pebble. Was a buncha boogers all balled up. He said it was time for me to leave now. I'm not ready. #tbot
- This tweet is the Super2Pac of politics. #tbot
- Abandoned quest to be 1st black widower spider. My {radio edit} will feast on her ass 1 last time & make it rain as she eats my brain #tbot
- Clarity you see: The love dealer kicking stones in the street. Pieces hide inside puzzles; incomplete. All is riddle. Truth is tweet. #tbot
- Was on 3rd try the astronomers agreed on a name. Big Thumb sounded dumb and Fingerbang Theory felt real wet and messy, I'm guessing. #tbot
- That was cute. And disgusting. Gotta lay off the acid & get him a Zyrtec. Heard cat say it & spray it: "I can haz sneezboogers." #tbot
- Finally ordered the vagina-shaped beret I've been dreaming of getting. Still haven't decided on how I'm going to tilt it yet, though. #tbot
- I only cry when 3.14.. gets mixed in with my onion. That's my opinion. #tbot
- As my {radio edit} insisted I quit with my Fonda talk (unless it's Bridget), I walked/stumbled upon Golden Pond. Smelled like piss. #tbot
- In retrospect, I probably shoulda paused the game sooner.. Or worn the helmet that breathes and splurged for insurance.. Or folded. #tbot
- Was dozing off waiting on Twitter to redeem itself. Dreamed I saw Facebook and Twitter streetwalking together. They'd swapped heads. #tbot
- She’s nuts expecting change from me & saying over & over that insanity's me doing same thing over & over expecting different outcome. #tbot
- National domestic piss NP poopy wet DP gross. CDS bets CDO..wrapped crap From hell’s bowels, an owl howls, “I’d like to buy a vowel.” #tbot
- I like their crop circles. They talk to me. I let ‘em chow a few animals. But, that voice: “More cow, Beelzebub?” ..Drives me nuts. #tbot
- I raised the roof. It left home. Everything got ruined the first time it rained. #tbot
- She asked if it was time to wake up the sleeping giant. I said yes. HER: "Revolution in mind. Not your {radio edit}." I said yes. #tbot
- Until Urban Dictionary lets me add words again, the opposite of a porcelain goddess is still not a rich Celine Dion. #tbot
- It’s all good. It’s also other things. #tbot
- Michigan Supreme Court ruled simulating sex with blow-up dolls not grounds for firing, so your husband may get his teaching job back. #tbot
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Before Last
spilt whilst 
the finer V 
throw it, i'm open 
her rabbit aladdin 
half past last 
damp pamphlet 
speedbumpity 
carrot juice straw 
rupert nerduck 
playground stars 
Section 226.12(d) 
napsnapper 
dandi doggi 
the band fan 
potty talk 
36 hour marsupialis 
a fan page 
little bobby 
sex o t c 
rug hugably 
diva devo 
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