We've been standing here holding it in for a half hour already. I'm pretty sure Simon ain't gonna say shit, & we won't get a bathroom break.
You don't need a glove to catch fly balls. You just need good hand/eye coordination. And some doped-up flies. Probably.
She was squattin' when somethin' popped.. And then she dropped. And then a locket plopped out. I'll say I looked away.- When it's as cold as a witch's tit, the tip I can cool coffee perfect with. Too bad there's no good way for me and you to market this shit.
- Flirts when she curtsies gets me high as thighs sighs pie in the sky sweet dreams dessert she squirts me ice cream.. *twitter app crashes*
Even after she learned sign language, Helen Keller never nagged me. She'd just smile and play Van Halen's 'Eruption' on air guitar all day.- Joey. I switched that catnip. It's batshit. Most nap from that and see ghost witches, so.. Just thought you should know, yo, bro.
It's gonna be awesome once Twitter comes in Hi-Def to augment the drunk dumb.
“Corporations & conservative Christians refuse to support me, so I’m not gonna run for president. But, I will do the crosswalk,” said Jesus.- Not sure what you mean by being a health nut, but I do know that every time I slide my toboggan into her noggin, it gets her memory joggin'.
- Now that you mention it, I suppose wearing her clothes while we wait for her to get here is a bit creepy. I don't see why you can't change.
Why the Bluetooth in my ear? So I don’t look like I’m shouting at pebbles I’m kicking. Why each ear? So I don't appear fashionably crazy.
If there's no 'dance with them that brung ya' law in Texas, it would explain why pilots and flight attendants act confused when I get jiggy.
"Ask what your poo can do for your country, not what your country plans to do to your poo." ~a puppy president chastising fat cats, perhaps
The gratitude I get from this job reminds me of nothing.
Just remembered that it wasn't because I asked about tortilla reform at the rally that got 'em mad, it was when I said I liked Dixie chips.- Let's hypnotize those who thrive from conflict & put 'em in nursing homes, & tell 'em 2 pudding cups by winning bowling makes them richest.
- When a tweet joke doesn't work I usually try to dodge blame by saying its job got outsourced by a company that got a tax break for doing so.
ME: "Why am I back in school?" HER: "So you can get a leg up on life." ME: "Me peeing is succeeding and reality is really a fire hydrant?"- The rhythm of the method to my madness works imperfectly, it seems.. Because I feel a breeze as I squeeze these ibuprofen between my knees.
She won’t say I’m going to hell, but knows the bell there tolls for me. And, I’ll bet you she tells me I’m at the top of the hecking order.
My magic 8-ball's sacrilegious if the 6th sense of 7 frankincense-scented witches of ethnic descent is.. Ballsack religious? You're funny.
The boy who broke toy trucks to get sister in trouble with mother by blaming her and her putter grew up to stage the Golf of Tonka incident.- I'm not rocket scientist smart like Spock and shit, but it seems to me to be illogical how there's no 'real moon landing' videos on YouTube.
On the bright side, once we’re reincarnated, we’ll probably get first round draft picks.
I just saved $375/month by simply skipping all my credit card payments, and getting a cable/phone/internet package that lets me block calls.
This tweet is being held up by TSA agents. I'm assuming they're looking up my kilt hoping to locate a place of crazy that knows their name.- Apparently, being transparent and finally admitting all the villages in the world outsourced their job as idiot to me is no laughing matter.
The devil should know me well enough to know there ain't no way in hell I plan on doing any of the tasks that he asks when I get there.
You know you're a shitty investment guru when your 4th book's called, Getting Back to Even. "Oh, so sorry, Mr. Cramer. I thought you knew."- According to a new lost old scroll just now found, the pursuing ancient army knew it was screwed when somebody yelled, "Bros, before Moses."
Realized women don't find PMS very funny. More importantly, I learned there's no good time to tell a PMS joke. But, there is a bad time.
Bike riders are just street peddlers trying to sell me guilt. It's an exercise in futility. I'm flat broke. Like a coin-less joke floormat.
Had a dream where t-shirts with Chuck Norris sayings were free at last to get off 'n go beat his ass. Smelt like a misspelt felt nightmare.- My auto can’t tune itself for shit. It can hit a fork in the road too sharply & too quick, & then flip when a tire goes flat. B, probably.
Once I discovered Celine D & Tenacious D were related, I knew I had to go on sabbatical to free some radicals, & get ions to think negative.- There is unrest in the forest. There is (possibly) trouble with the.. Parrot poetry of partridge parodies in Neal Peartrees. Apparently.
Was the last in line the first time when I went to the Hard Rock Cafe; & then this wet mermaid & a holy diver beside her insisted I go next.
I'm still stuck here in the joint because I've yet to get your letter. It really fucking sucks to be Fred Atlast.
I first started pressing my luck working at the dry cleaners as a teenager.
When I said walk this way, I meant, go towards the echo. Keep away from me, Steven, you freak.- I do my best monkey work when I'm on the clock. And, if the 3 blind mice tell you I sat on their heads, it's because they were in my spot.
Destiny. If it's at all like last time, my appointment with her's gonna be sad & real boring. I'll probably just get my bangs trimmed again.
This tweet knows that most of those who chose to cut off their nose to spite their face did so in the name of sinus.
So, I told her, "I didn't outgrow my cape; you shrunk it, mom.."- If javelinas aren't pigs, then.. I just wasted a whole lot of money on an unnecessary parachute experiment.
- Lost the broom so I broke her toe with a vacuum sweeping her off her feet. Had it been the thought that counts, she wouldn't be stuck at 19.
By my calculations, the math trip was a success. Had just one problem, easily solved by carrying the one. And throwing him out of the boat.
"I don't see what you see in her." ~nearsighted son working as intern for his dad at gynecology office
My neighbor has quite a way with the women. He brings all the cops to the yard. And occasionally even one of their helicopters.
I said the only way I don't screw up is for you to take off your clothes and get into this new contraption I just bought.- She's fetching in the sense that she looks and dresses real sexy, although as of yet she's still refusing to chase the frisbee I just threw.
- "No numb nuts. Sleepy pee pee." ~Einstein
"Someday, when I don't gotta type out these words, I tell ya, every last stupid ass thought I got will be yours." ~me, messin' with Internet
It's as if my tweets are allergic to not sucking.- My misspelling of words so that spambots won't follow me has backfired. Now, I've got the fuck up robot school English flunkers stalking me.
This is the future, I told her. Of course, the laundry robots are going to sniff your panties. Please don't upset them.- You make me sound like a villain when you say it that way, ma'am. It's beer-igation. Why do you keep saying a bad man peed in your planter?
- Based on an odd stink you can see & the fact that I think this place is super-haunted, it's highly unlikely they woulda paved paradise here.
I panicked when I saw that my favorite pictures of people having sex with vegetables had vanished. Then, I realized I had 'safe search' on.
Basically, I spent the whole day trying to understand sand, so I'd know why it's called quick. Also wondered if pebbles had stoned thoughts.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Not First
speedbumpity 
rug hugably 
her rabbit aladdin 
potty talk 
napsnapper 
carrot juice straw 
spilt whilst 
the band fan 
a fan page 
playground stars 
half past last 
Section 226.12(d) 
sex o t c 
throw it, i'm open 
the finer V 
dandi doggi 
36 hour marsupialis 
little bobby 
damp pamphlet 
rupert nerduck 
diva devo 
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