- "I don't think this is going to work out," I told him.* *guy at gym who brought in his blow-up doll that he thought was getting fat #tbot
- I heard that the hillbilly Mob-speak I came across earlier in the Pennsylvania boonies was courtesy of the Poconostra. Crazy. #tbot
- I'm officially stuck. The one day I pull my head out of my ass ..& stuck. My head's in one dimension.. Rest of me's in another. #tbot
- I love hockey because it reminds me of Canucks. Which reminds me of soccer moms. . Or as I affectionately call them: Minivan Cougars #tbot
- So, if a bunch of unicorns is called a blessing, I wonder what a bunch of unicorn poop called? Pondering for my socks in the laundry. #tbot
- After doing some laps around the park, I wanna say: "Walking is for the birds." But, most of those fowl-mouthed peckerheads can fly. #tbot
- I read a few of my recent tweets to see if they suck as bad as the skywriter flying by is trying to say. Not sure. My headache's new. #tbot
- Was thinking how working's for the birds. And how I'm most likely a duck. And how if I were a dodo, I'd be extinct. And not working. #tbot
- I heard some freaks say the reason heavy metal died was because of rat poison. They meant Ratt and Poison. # butiknowitwasbonjovi #tbot
- The future's putting words in my mind. And feeding me Hunchberries. Like a Cap'n. #tbot
- This tweet tips cows 20 percent. If it's a cutie pie, 25. #tbot
- Had wanted Steven Tyler to stay on American Idol. Related: Was hoping Aerosmith would break up. #tbot
- Twitter - write = t & t write + dynamite = nothing I wrote keeping the streak alive or bust = another tweet bites the dust # meh #tbot
- Was reading, "You Can Heal Your Life," by Louise Hay. 'Diddle yer skittle' was cure for her migraines. Must be a new medical term. #tbot
- Thanks for your help, Entropy. [as house approaches, & is about to cross, 'officially thrashed' threshold] I've got it from here. #tbot
- I don't mean to be a turkey like I got in bowling last nite, I told the judge. But, 3 strikes means 3 X's, so.. I've gotTic-Tac-Toe. #tbot
- I hear the pitter patter of the twitter chatter on my safety helmet. I think it’s tapping out SOS in Morse code, & spelling it wrong. #tbot
- I’m still wearing a fly suit. My faceplant in the yard simply means I’m wearing the outfit that is only supposed to be worn for show. #tbot
- I’m not a rock star from Mars, but I have been banned from there.. For teaching Rover to roll over. #tbot
- Ever since barely surviving a big narcisshipwreck, all the famous rapper ever says anymore is: "I make it Wayne. I make it Wayne." #tbot
- What do I think? I say monkeys should wrap all of our tweets in poo & then throw 'em against a wall. Bounciest one we hafta salute. #tbot
- Someday, researchers will find priceless treasure hidden in junk DNA, and it'll become way more famous than Noah’s ark. # 2boatsjoke #tbot
- Some stop signs say, ALTO. I figured equal sign means: Sweet n’ Low. Rhymes with go, so.. I went. What else could it have meant? #tbot
- Factor in my handicap and you’ll find I’m always in contention. Even when stating the obvious. What? Get that clown off the stage. #tbot
- On magic mushrooms, I use my electric organ, Advanced Math and Beginner Spanish to combine 3.14 with the word, year, to make a piano. #tbot
- What's the cut-off age for kids believing noises coming outta the bedroom are because their mom found religion? Asking for your mom. #tbot
- I’m not exactly sure what it is they all see, but the funhouse mirrors sure seem to be freaking out at me. Seriously. #tbot
- This door's ajar so that I can put my door jamb in it. #tbot #thebookoftweet
- By the time she's finished diddling her skittle like a fiddle, I find my muddled mind blinded and befuddled by shiny little puddles.. #tbot
- The employee of the month left work early. Like a boss. # thugstyle #tbot
- I’m one expensive stage prop away from being chandelirious. #tbot
- If my name was Nostradumbass and could wrongly predict all stupid things to come, I'd totally get t-shirts made with my name on them. #tbot
- Today and everyday, we are boldly paving the way to a super, stupider future. Yay! *burp* #tbot
- An alligator just bounced off my car hood here at the zoo. My friend says it's his old pet that got stolen. We're so gonna get bit. #tbot
- Me & my car suck great as a team. It picks the stupid lanes. I pick the stupid lines. And it’s stupid people with the assist. #tbot
- Sounds like it's coming from old people's butts, but just once I wish you wouldn't look at me like I'm nuts. They're smuggling ducks. #tbot
- By my jaw being broke, I mean fine thighs like these. She can squeeze bling fillings right out my mouth whenever she pleases. #tbot
- Go to the old school. Turn left. Keep going left 'til you see the ghost of Joe C. on my little Zamboni & hear Siri rap in the NasCar. #tbot
- Lab guy broke up 'Me vs. the Monkeys' morning shit fight. "Poop! You can't handle the poop!" Not sure what his fucking problem is. #tbot
- May a quesadilla’s unconditional love be the pre-assembled, post-IKEA idea serving you today. #tbot
- I probably shouldn’t wipe that one on my clothes. Whether I will or not.. Only the future knows. #tbot
- Tried preaching to the choir; but I don't think anyone heard me. None of 'em would shut the fuck up. They just kept on singing. #tbot
- Tried to see if I could squeeze blood from a turnip. Fuck. Driver guy, Steve, hit a bump; now I'm naive. I just fell off the truck. #tbot
- no twitter Crush my love’s root beer aka Faygo juggaliciously en fuego hot ice chest bet u guess the rest not on test yes is pop quiz #tbot
- I’m surprised the United States hasn’t sued Twitter yet for copyright infringement.. For the glorification of stupidity. ;) #tbot
- I asked Bob how many roads must a man walk down to no longer see freaky answers being blown up into trees. He said, “Infinity +/- 3.” #tbot
- Just so you know for next time, “With what wit?” is the wrong reply when I tell you of my plan to save the world using my superpower. #tbot
- Well, I tried to bluff the teacher. Pretended I read the book. Probably shoulda known that Watson never said: "No shit, Sherlock." #tbot
- I turned on my robot slinky at Great Wall. Police: “Make stop!” I pushed Off spring. Got 10 kids. Broke Chinese law. Now I’m in jail. #tbot
- TSA. The good, the bad & the butt-ugly. Good news: Anal cavity searches off table for now. Bad news: Moving to countertop instead. #tbot
- I put the Rated in the grated cheese, and the PG in a spaghetti sneeze. #tbot
- Bacon and bikini, basically, both have this tweet in common. For now. Until I figure out what else it is, or that lab calls me back. #tbot
- Despite what you think you saw me doing on TV last night, I don’t know how to speak any sign language, so I must've just had a cramp. #tbot
- "Feel the Earth's vibrating beat as boys & girls meet; to cyber-moon & spoon & star tweets. Ok? Gimme my treats." ~shit my dog says #tbot
- As a local, I used to listen to Journey. Unless I took a trip. If I did, I would then play Foreigner, & Page the Village Idiot. #tbot
- Sang "Skip to my Loofah" in the shower. Slipped. Dinged my head as I banged into it. Then, the accident gave me superpowers. #tbot
- I never heard of Iceratops, or any prehistoric Arctic rodent missions. "We learned it in class today, but yer pronouncing it wrong." #tbot
- Your skepticism about the earth being hollow makes it impossible for me to explain anything to you. #tbot
- Images of royal granny panties interrupted my counting of sheep last night. # LondonOlympics # TVreruns # somethingicannotunremember #tbot
- Her banana rhythm mannerisms were rather cute as she sat on that platter of fruit; thighs wide open so hoping you'd come & juice her. #tbot
- If you mean he’s been peeing sitting down since way before the twitter was born, then yes. They call me P Sitty. And I'm a twipster. #tbot
- A fresh, hot-diggity wiener dog burrito lust-crushed on me, but I saved her to savor for later.. Because our puppy love was illegal. #tbot
- We are the zombies we’ve been waiting for. Or we’re Adam’s ants. I just totally forgot which one it was. #tbot
- With each tweet, I’m more ignored. #tbot
- You can go too far thinking up a tweet, I've found. As you can guess, this one sat down & I wound up crowned With a big fat asshat. #tbot
- You’re the only one whose hair I hold back, you know, so.. if that doesn’t show that I think you’re special, I dunno what special is. #tbot
- Hard to skip over the realization that when you don’t hold up your end of the deal, I look like a crazy guy walking an invisible dog. #tbot
- You say I overreact. I say you’re just jealous because you suck at jumping hurdles. #tbot
- I just found out it's all the same toe, & it has nothing to do with the type of cigarette you smoke. #tbot
- My inspiration comes in waves. "Keep the fuck outta my hair," she sweared. What? I know I told you before, but.. She just said it again.
- Game has 2 sorority sisters trying to get ping-pong ball into ice chest using swim flippers. Seems unfair they let pros on the show. #tbot
- Last year, they smashed an Adam & got the Ants. This time, they’re putting Dora in the supercollider & hoping to get free Doritos. #tbot
- According to my math, the bath just ruined my graph paper & filled up my rubber ducky’s butt with soapy bubbles. Now he won’t squeak. #tbot
- I love vegetables. Used to be one. Lately having vocabulary difficulties describing my magic beanstalk. Yes, I know it's a legume. #tbot
- Found out from my alien buddy that last word in Bible, "Amen," is a typo. Original word was: Ahem. As in, *wink wink*, kidding, yo. #tbot
- “I might like you better if we lept together.” ~Juliet convinces Romeo Knievel to take her stunting or it's Kidz Bop Hip Hop song #tbot
- There’s always one person in your phone who won’t un-dim even when you adjust the Brightness setting. #tbot
- Got book called, “The Hidden Messages in Water," but by time I read it, it was too late. Took bath with my answering machine already. #tbot
- I told 'em that it was unsanitary, but funny money would not get down. It insisted on pitching a counterfeit. #tbot
- Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Mr. Obama Ms. Napolitano Do you or TSA know.. Where did all my Hare Krishnas go? #tbot
- It was only when she squirted me (actually, she soaked me), that I realized I had stumbled upon the fountain of euphemism. #tbot
- I’ll never forget the night the lights went out in Georgia. That was when I lost both my lanterns. Haven’t seen them, nor her, since. #tbot
- On the 7th day, the gods still chose to fuck with me on their day off. #tbot #thebookoftweet
- Ol’ Dirty Bastard swims with the fishes & Jessica Simpson’s favorite chicken, Sea Charlie, wears his teeth in an Autotuna commercial. #tbot
- Don’t misunderstand me. It’s all still hunky dory and fine and dandy. But, it's lying to say I didn't mean to call Old Handy Mandy. #tbot
- Walked into a psychotic episode today. Its name once confused a socialite wall shopper. I suspect show’s in syndication & is a rerun. #tbot
- Thongs date back to Roman times when Caligula's posse called them cameltogas based on song sung by nomad chick named Sand Fran Sisqo. #tbot
- Twas the year of their discontent, historians now say. Mayan tribal scribblers said, “Fuck the future," & ate the calendar chocolate. #tbot
- Is reality assembling itself around you because of a truth you see in this tweet matching your belief? Will you still add hot sauce? #tbot
- Ok, now I know. You can't catch catch an egg. What? Why'd I keep throwing 'em at you? Because I didn't wanna keep carrying carton. #tbot
- Really got no idea. Mighta been said before. I'm not a man of action. Nor manowar. I'm one of them men o' pause. Pause for applause. #tbot
- I finally hear the voice of reason, and what do I do? I refuse to trust it. Instead, I just assume my house has gotta be haunted. #tbot
- Hedgerows bustle as the May Queen cleans the clutter from our minds. Rooms revive as she pulls our strings and opens up the blinds. #tbot
- When you said you wanted to see me shine, I didn't know you meant get on my knees & stay there until I'm reflecting from your shoes. #tbot
- my dim son had some rollover dumb from previous series of tweets, my serious other one told his mother’s brother this tweet’s awful #tbot
- I do have an advantage in that I own my own dumb truck. #tbot #thebookoftweet
- “God only knows the difference between devout atheists & huge narcissists,” he said, as 3 rodeo clowns beat his ass & peed on his PC. #tbot
- If by purist, you mean: “One who tweets unexpurgated crap..” Then, yes. I’m a tweet purist. #tbot #thebookoftweet
- I looked at it. Said fuck it. I'll kick my stupid bucket list. Missed. Can you help me up? What? Aliens exist & I slipped on a kiss. #tbot
- Played my cards right. bought yacht to see world Rolled the dice. They sank. got lost at sea Not Yahtzee. Not even close. #tbot
- If the rain dance really worked, then why is that roof guy with the Cher feather still pretending he's not peeing on us. #tbot
- Since you all aren’t reading my tweets, I’m gonna hafta read 'em out loud to you. I’ll be using my singing voice. You’ve been warned. #tbot
- Famous last words: "I am not a piñata." #tbot
- Keep in mind the moment you point a camera at me, I become the talent. It’s a crapshoot. That snapshot probably won’t be worth shit. #tbot
- Of all the establishments in the world, you had to crank call The Scooter Store. #tbot
- Well, it's official. My tweets are wack. They've hit the bottom of the barrel. No, not the 'wack barrel'. The 'even wacker' barrel. #tbot
- Whenever I get so mad that I just wanna kick a puppy, I remember about the kitten. # kicksareforkitties :) # licksarefortitties ;) #tbot
- When my 1 non-crap tweet’s at 99% complete, Twitter’s app zaps it. I told Gov. Jesse V my coincidence theory. He said my math sucks. #tbot
- She said I was dynamite. Said I deserved a Nobel prize for tonight. She said I got her so fuckin’ hot, I gave her valley.. Fever. #tbot
- I put the hard in yer mom’s hearing. Stuck my — in her ear. She said: “Ear canal ends with ‘anal’, love, be a dear & {radio edit} my rear.”
- Don’t miss yer chance with the hipster’s sister, mister. So fresh; so clean-shaven. Pussycat, oh, so friendly. Especially when kissed, sir.
- The beautiful, young woman was vilified by other members in her support group when they joked of how she had dill-ified big, waxy cucumbers.
- Chocolate mayhem drips off her lips onto her tits. I lick her clit s’more & mac her graham cracker. I can see her marshma\\m^m// ‘O’ face.
- Sounds like pianist. Rhymes with orange. Your lukewarm porridge thumb sex theatrics as a bum hums on a plum are truly inspiring. I bow 2 u.
- With just the tip, I aim to please as I’m teasing her kegels. Miracle whips spread lips like bagels & cream she’s learning as I’m churnin’.
- She showed me Bill of Rights. Didn’t know if it included gratuity. Gave it my Pro-Tip. Poked big hole. Later learned I fucked the original.
- I pulled my avi from your ravioli, & got some of it on your dress, um.. Actually, I kinda made quite the mess. Sorry ‘bout that. #tbot
- This sex marks the spot. Where I got her clit to spit & her inner pit bull to bark. A lot.
- To everyone wearing no pants & tweeting, I tip my numbskull cap; & to all trying to get off, I offer my cyber-giant Pro-Tip dip ‘n stirrer.
- I’ve seen many a creamy river flow & stream down her thighs. Her vag of courage sure seems to like to quiver & have a cry.. Cry, cry baby.
- Electronic voting machines ate my democracy & 1/2 my bagel. Don’t even get me started on yer mom, her lox & my talking {radio edit}. #tbot
- The world’s oldest cave writings finally got translated. It’s a sex poem chorus: “Hot Mama, I Just Gotta Stick it in Yer Butt.” Yup. #tbot
- I sweet-talk your umbrella. I say I want candy. I want to taste the rainbowwowow. #tbot
- I just realized I could use the TP from my TyPos. If I could reach 'em from where I'm sitting. Which I can't. #tbot
- The dingos ate my baby out. #tbot
- Hearing of the new Beetle coming out, REO Speedwagon broke their promise to keep on loving U & VW became all they gave a shit about. #tbot
- "You're one stinky shit." "You stink more than I do." "Your mama doesn't even stink this bad." "Your mama does." (shit talking shit) #tbot
- You go to drain the goose & instead a pond of geese gets drained to find Lao Tzu's lost Zeus thunderbolt, so zoo man bans you. That. #tbot
- “You can’t see farts to begin with, so you couldn’t have a total eclipse of one,” Bonnie Tyler informed her totally immature husband. #tbot
- I told Kanye & Jay-Z you won't watch the throne because you don't need to hold their seat while they toilet tweet. You're welcome. #tbot
- Well, I stand corrected & in a buttload of pain. Soon as I called them all a buncha rat bastards, their father bit the shit outta me. #tbot
- Says he’ll kick my butt if I call him dull turd again but he’s old & slow & his legs are short. Isn’t that right, Mr. Turdleturtle? #tbot
- They count from A to Zebrah and have trouble with the clasp.. I smell a frat. #tbot
- Even I'm getting sick of my shit. Admittedly, I ate too much. #tbot
- I put the Pez in the trapeze, and can't help but feel partly responsible for today's circus catastrophe. #tbot #thebookoftweet
- If we were monkeys w/ handfuls of poo, imagine what that kind of power could do. World zookeepers would count to 3 & we'd throw at 2 #tbot
- Andrew 'Dice' Clay's resume for job at pillow factory: "You know Mother Goose?" "I plucked her." #tbot
- For the last time, I've worn shades & full body armor ever since I went in thru the out door of God's glory hole. Can't stop crying. #tbot
- I'd relish life more if I wasn't so allergic to the smell of pickled pickles. #tbot
- Not easy to film serious hard-core banana porn movies because they all become romantic comedies once things end up getting all mushy. #tbot
- The path I'm traveling likely ends at that Curtain Number 3 up ahead, & behind it, a lifetime supply of canned cream corn awaits me. #tbot
- Been thinking about the good old days before Kanye arrived on scene. Spent today listening to the U2 song, "Twitter Without You." #tbot
- "Who cares? In forest, Big Foot can eat all the wild yellow raspberries he wants." ~voice in my head says not to mess with Sasquatch #tbot
- The pug dreamed of growing up to be a rebel thug boxer that wore briefs, exclusively. #tbot #thebookoftweet
- "I knocked it out of the park." ~Hobo Joe describes his crashing rocket-powered shopping cart into jungle gym & then landing in swamp #tbot
- "Are you religious?" the teacher asked her new foreign exchange student. Angus: "I believe my big balls should be held every night." #tbot
- "You're never going to start feeling better until you stop thinking positive." ~negative ions therapist #tbot #thebookoftweet
- I was sitting pretty. Until I got a cramp. #tbot #thebookoftweet
- Not sure what the point of that last sign we just passed was. Said: "Well, now u r screwed." Seems unhelpful. #tbot #thebookoftweet
- I've got a fever, but the only prescription that I need is.. Good guess. Close. Less bullhorn. #tbot
- Hi, Twitter. Before we get started, I'm going to need you to sign this waiver, and turn down your radio. Thanks. Also: Lose the hat. :)
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Last
damp pamphlet 
rupert nerduck 
36 hour marsupialis 
carrot juice straw 
half past last 
spilt whilst 
the band fan 
dandi doggi 
rug hugably 
napsnapper 
speedbumpity 
playground stars 
her rabbit aladdin 
a fan page 
potty talk 
little bobby 
Section 226.12(d) 
diva devo 
the finer V 
sex o t c 
throw it, i'm open 
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